Making Eggs In The Shower

I’ve unfortunately been reading about young little Bryce Harper everywhere I turn. First, I see him on the cover of Sports Illustrated being touted as the “Chosen One”. After that, I have to hear East Side Dave of the Ron and Fez show saying that this kid will be the greatest player ever to play the game. Isn’t it bad enough the kid is already sucking his own dick a la Marilyn Manson. Any 16-year-old saying they are going to “Be in the Hall of Fame, definitely. Play in Yankee Stadium. Play in the pinstripes. Be considered the greatest baseball player who ever lived. I can’t wait.”, needs to take it easy for about two seconds while I work up the ole red rocket and toss it in their asshole. Someone needs to teach this kid some humility.

The one thing about this whole situation that fucking pisses me off is the way they represent his abilities. Ok fine, the kid can throw the ball fast, but he isn’t going to ever be a pitcher. He’s a catcher even at the high school level. If he was such an allstar pitcher he would be on the mound, not behind the plate. So in the end this kid’s real talent lies in his ability to hit. And with that said, HAS EVERYONE IN THE SPORTS WORLD LOST THEIR FUCKING MINDS? The kid plays high school ball, ergo he swings a fucking aluminum bat.

While it is true that if you place aluminum and wooden bats on a scale they typically have approximately the same weight, the distribution of the weight is different. The aluminum bat has a significantly lower moment of inertia, or angular mass. The weight in an aluminum bat is near to the hands. It makes the bat easier to swing. So please, SI and the rest of you Bryce Harper dick suckers, please stop with the “his bat speed is faster than Mark McGuire’s in his prime” or “he hit a record distance homerun at Tropicana field”. He fucking did it with different equiptment. If there is any doubt about how easy it is to hit the distance with an aluminum bat, check the video below. If an 8-year-old can crank one to the pitcher’s dome with this much ease I need to see Bryce Harper hitting for 600 ft before I get too excited.