Since both of my favorite cigarette spokesmen are long dead, I’ve decided to declare the winner of the tobacco game once and for all. It comes down to two classic figures of my childhood, Joe Camel versus the Marlboro Man.
VS. 
Joe Camel (1987-1997)
“Old Joe” was the spokesman for RJ Reynold’s Camel brand of cigarettes for ten glorious years. After one year in action, teenage smokers accounted for $6 million in sales for Camels. Four short years later, they bought more than $476 million in cancer sticks. God damn can that Joe Camel push some ciggies. He was soon recognized as the greatest marketing success in advertising history.
Marlboro Man (1954-1999)
Marlboro Cowboy was created by Philip Morris, now Alltria, to be the spokesman for their Marlboro cigarettes. While Camels were still the most popular, Marlboro’s were filtered and considered female. Marlboro wanted to masculine their smokes up so they created a cowboy persona in order to sell lady cigarettes to men.
The Fight
This is honestly the easiest call in the history of imaginary spokesmen battles. Joe Camel would whip the crap out of the Marlboro Man and still look cool as hell while he did it. Let’s break it down. Joe Camel hangs out in bars, plays pool, and hits on big-tittied women. The Marlboro Man hangs out in the woods, surrounded by sausage, leather, and short lengths of rope. Guess which one sucks on titties while the other one bites down on a ball gag. Joe rides motorcycles, plays the guitar and the saxophone, and wears leather jackets. The Marlboro Man rides horses, wears red and yellow overcoats, and doesn’t even use a gun. Again, Joe is so much sweeter than the extra from “Brokeback Mountain.” The Camel wore his sunglasses everywhere, whether at the beach or in the pool hall. The Cowboy wore plastic hats and grimaced like he had a butt-plug inside of his anus. But the defining attribute that gives Joe Camel the win over the Marlboro Man, the spoken word. Marlboro never talked, not once. Joe wouldn’t shut the fuck up, always laying sweet lines like he had just done a few heart-stoppers in the bathroom. Some choice nugs from the Camel, “The early bird usually falls asleep before the party starts,” or “A penny saved is not a penny earned. You put it in your pocket and it collects lint until it creates a hole and then you lose it.” *actual quote from Camel advertisement* (If that doesn’t sound coked up, I don’t know what does.) The only thing to come out of the Marlboro Man’s mouth is another man’s ejaculating penis. The final analysis, Joe Camel is one geeked up, cool ass motherfucker while the Marlboro Man would rather wrestle with some dude under the night sky than get weird with ladies.
