I’m going to be doing that crack-cocaine thing too Senator!!!
Archive for the ‘The Weirdness’ Category
It’s the Mother Fucking Weekend
Friday, July 17th, 2009Clit Yeastwood
Wednesday, May 13th, 2009
You ever seen a domesticated dog/monkey in heat? They wear these fucking diapers to keep from bleeding all over the place and leaving a trail of blood so heavy even Hansel and Gretel could follow that shit home. Bleeding so hard that every mammal species within a 2-mile radius would have spaghetti-sauced dick from having jammed his member in and out of a puddle of God’s greatest natural lubricant next to baby tears. If you think about it this way, giving the she-bitch-gorilla at the local zoo the three-hole-punch isn’t near as goddamn cute, or is it?
Research Chemicals: Just Ingest
Monday, April 27th, 2009
If you haven’t begun ingesting research chemicals then you are a fucking pussy. Do you ever wonder what it was like for those first people who melted face? Now you don’t have to wonder you can just order a sample powder of a strange substance, mix that shit in water, chug it down and see what happens. Erowid, clearly the most trusted drug reference known to man, claims, ”Although some people are willing to ingest these chemicals for their effects, it is not reasonable to assume that these chemicals are in any way ’safe’ to use recreationally. Although all psychoactive use involves risk, this class of chemicals has undergone virtually no human or animal toxicity studies and there is little to no data on possible long term problems, addiction potential, allergic reactions, or acute overdoses.” Sounds fucking extreme. Pick up some 2ci at your nearest boutique drugstore now.
Scales’ Saturday Night Part III
Sunday, March 29th, 2009And finally I receive a text message from Scales…
“Kevin just called, he was screaming so loud I couldn’t understand him. He wanted to murder me. Apparently Clarisa got sick or passed out and Drew, being an absolute moron, left her unconscious body on the front lawn. Parents wake up, find their only child in the fetal position on the lawn and Scales nowhere to be found. But my car is still there. It took me ten minutes to calm him down and then I ratted the shit out of Drew. He’s going to kill him. This is the second time he has left her on the ground. Looks like no gun show for me.”
I’d try to say something witty or sarcastic here, but this story has literally left me speechless.
Scales’ Saturday Night Part II
Sunday, March 29th, 2009The next email I receive…
“Sorry, I just ate three cheeseburgers that were so fucking good!!! Oh my G, that shit is tastier than kindergarden pussy. Anyways, Clarisa comes down stairs to sneak out with her friend to go drinking (which is not allowed by her parents) I, being a gentleman walk her outside and sit on the porch smoking. After a while, I can tell she wants my dick in and around her mouth. But, she was born in 1994 and is ugly. Then a Jeep Cherokee shows up and I start thinking, “I fucking know that car.” it was Drew, one of my drug dealers (white guy who acts black). He is twenty and he had one fourteen year old riding shotgun while about to pick up a fifteen year old to get them drunk and high. “Damn, I like his style,” I thought to myself. But as soon as he sees me, he starts apologizing, asking me not to tell Kevin and Nicky. Before I could tell him that I couldn’t care less, he adds that he was also sorry about the last bag. Ewwww… You’re fucked now son. I tell him that it was super weak and a half gram short (it wasn’t) and that “I’m telling Kevin right now that you’re galivanting around with his daughter unless you make amends.” (guess which words he didn’t understand). Anyways to wrap up this story, he gave me a free half ball, a blunt and drove me around smoking and taking swigs of warm vodka. Clarisa tried to kiss me right before I threw up all over the side of his car. He drove me home, saying he would clean it up and then we made a man date to go to the gun and knife show today. I’ll blog about the guns. And then I stayed up all morning watching Eastbound and Down and masturbating. Good night all around”
Scales’ Saturday Night Part I
Sunday, March 29th, 2009So I wake up this morning to an email from Scales telling me about his Saturday night. Fucking outrageous…
“Errgh… I feel gross and disgraceful. There’s this couple that I know from the bar, Delaware Yankees. The wife is super hot and the husband is just like BrodieMan if rode a motorcycle and worked construction. Same laugh, same hilarious attitude. Well, they both do coke and smoke weed. They called right after you texted. The thing is, the don’t snort and go out. They stay in, and was in and coked out. They has weed and beer, I had cigarettes (which I don’t smoke) and Gatorade. We decided the best course of action was for me to come over and hang. I’ve never been to their house before, didn’t know what to expect. I ring the door bell, and a young girl answers the door. It’s Clarisa, Kevin and Nicky (the married couple) daughter. Anyways, being retarded Yankees, they let Clarisa smoke ciggies and weed with us for about two hours. Clarisa is fifteen, a freshmen in high school. The adults have to take turns going to the kitchen to do coke. Of course, there is no door or hallway to the kitchen, it was all in plain sight of their only child. Also, should be mentioned that Nicky is an absolute smokeshow who loves taking shots at the bar. Apparently she is no different at home. Skin tight jeans that went into her ass hole, leopard printed high heels (not necessarily “fuck me” heels, but definitely “grab my ass cause all I’ll do is giggle” shoes) and a super hot orange halter top. I asked of they went out, “No man, she got dressed up because you were coming over,” said Kevin with a really goofy smile. My dick twitches. I swear to god I thought he was going to ask me to sleep with his wife so he could watch. Eerytime we did a line his hand was on her ass, grinning like a retard. She was feeding me honey jäger shots, and i was stoned, on coke, and thought I was going to do a three way with a married couple. Everything was go for launch until 2:30… They both decide willy nilly to go to bed. They told me I could sleep ontheir couch. I was dumbfounded and hard cocked. I almost followed them upstair because I was certain that my penis was going to be spraying baby batter into someone vaginal canal. But no, I was left alone on a couch by myself. So of course, I start jerking it with no abandon. Then I hear a noise coming down the stairs. I change the channel and shove my cock back into my pants so hard it hurts. A lot. But who was coming down at three in the morning? It was Clarisa, the fat, fifteen year old…
To be continued”
Metamorphing
Sunday, March 29th, 2009So you faggots think you are hard? Maybe you’ve drank a case of beer, or even done a ball of white in a night and had a slight headache the day after. That shit is nothing that a couple Excedrin and some coffee can’t fix.
Fuck that pussy shit. Try metamorphing. Here’s what I recommend, a six pack of beer, followed by some cold shellfish and mussels with garlic and cream. For dessert get yourself a 30-rock of morphine, find a comfortable couch and let the transformation can begin. It is fun to do it with another person but not necessary; you probably won’t be speaking to anyone for the next 5 hours. If you really want to do it with a cherry on top I like to kick my high up a little bit with a couple rails of coke. Sure doctors say that combo can kill you, but take it from me, it’s totally safe.
Biden Daughter’s Chowzer Scandal
Sunday, March 29th, 2009After seven failed attempts to sign in and make my inaugural administrative post, StuffyNose has arrived. Having allowed Scales and BallzD to introduce the blog’s drug of choice, it’s necessary to comment on the recent allegations regarding Vice President Biden’s daughter, Ashley, taking some phatties of chowzercaine to the face.
Listen, there is nothing wrong with calling a spade a spade, an immigrant a mexican or a jew a Christ Killer. Calling out a VP’s slutty, party-animal daughter for enjoying one of life’s few organic blessings (taking a gram up her ideally non-deviate septum), on tape being shopped for $250,000, is slightly over the top and borderline communist. I thought this was America. Our current and previous presidents have admittedly dated the white-lady out of sheer boredom, so don’t tell me that the children of their right-hand men can’t at enjoy the same.
Not that’s she’s particularly fat (she actually looks like she could get p3wned), but this brings a particularly traumatic (hot) memory to mind. Halloween senior year: house party, infinity booze, infinity sluts, infinity drugs. StuffyNose is all clear, both nostrils breathing at full stength. After drinking a dozen beers, watching BallzD tickle his favorite pledge’s asshole and heading to the bar, latenight dawned. Like Indiana Jones and the Raiders of The Last Ark, there was only one remaining thing to be conquered: the incredibly large 8-ball (woooh!), mocking from StuffyNose’s desk drawer. Returning to said house and unlocking the door, I’m confronted with the most disgusting (hot) scene imaginable: an easily 220 pound Winnie-the-Pooh costumed monster laying across StuffyNose’s bedroom floor in a pile of her own vomit. I chopped her up, ate her and took the drugs to the nasacaine.
Perhaps said story was nonsensical or irrelevant. If you think so, fuck you! Moral of the story – don’t hate the coke-head, hate he (or she) who attempts to ruin the party. In young Ashley Biden’s case, it’s the anti-awesome snitch seeking profit off a semi-hack-celebrity’s indulgence in her God-given right to get awesome. Don’t hate the player, hate the douche-bag attempting to salt the game.
Top 6 Drug Dealing Races
Friday, March 27th, 2009#1) Columbians
Pros:
Not only are they great coke dealers, Columbians usually have friends or cousins working in nursing homes and hospitals, thus they have a very good access to corporate drugs like Vicodin and Percocets. They speak better English than any other Latino, purposely drive shitty cars, and generally try to stay off the radar.
Cons:
Like other Latinos, Columbians are prone to driving under the influence and having ugly, ugly girlfriends.
#2) White People (who act white)
Pros:
White people with drugs are generally easy to find. Go to any large gathering and ask the worst dressed white person there about music. If any response is followed by hand chopping and head banging, that is your man. Usually will be able to get their hands on a diverse plethora of drugs, these white people are handy to have in one’s contact list.
Cons:
White people who act white have a very serious “hanging out” mentality when drugs are involved. Though helpful in scoring free drugs, can become a huge hassle. Also, a high “douche bag” ratio and propensity for exaggeration are common among white people.
#3) Puerto Ricans
Pros:
Also Latino, Puerto Ricans are fairly used to being involved in shady dealings. Can find drugs but expect to wait two to three hours longer than expected and to receive smaller amounts than agreed upon.
Cons:
Though English is close to their first language, they have a knack for butchering it to an almost incomprehensible degree. Again, expect delays and longwinded, ridiculous excuses for reasons why.
#4) White People (who act black)
Pros:
Usually will have good quality marijuana, though this could be hit or miss. Less “hang out” problem than their more Caucasian counterparts.
Cons:
Usually have poor time management skills. Also have very flashy, “please arrest me, officer” demeanor. Drugs, especially cocaine, will be inconsistent at best and pure garbage at worst.
#5) Mexicans
Pros:
Might have drugs? Easy scapegoats.
Cons:
Usually driving drunk and generally acting stupid, Mexicans represent the worst dealers on the Latino spectrum. Inherent trait of not understanding any English words no matter how similar they are to the actual Spanish words of the same definition. After drinking large amounts of tequila without eating sufficient amounts of tacos, will become violent.
#6) Blacks
Pros:
Almost all of them are in fact drug dealers.
Cons:
Despite the media’s portrayal, they are all terrible drug dealers. Their weed is schwag, their coke is an abomination, and they are incredibly difficult to get a hold of. Usually not in business very long.
War on Drugs
Thursday, March 26th, 2009“We’re losing the War on Drugs. That means we, America, are losing a war to people ON DRUGS.” – Bill Hicks
Mexicans play hide the drug money, and lose...
With the recent increase in ruthless, drug-related violence in Mexico, America needs to take a closer look at its drug policy and ask itself, “Who gives a fucking shit about dead Mexicans?”. There are literally millions of them. On the other hand, cocaine prices are skyrocketing out of control while purity is dwindling. Due to the global economic downturn, many men and women are forced to cut back on their cocaine use and resort to being “un-awesome” or “moderately stable.” This is unacceptable.
But while my loyalties will always belong to my beloved yowzacaine, I agree with President Obama’s decision to step up efforts to stop Mexican drug cartels. In case you didn’t already know, Mexicans are not good at dealing drugs. They’re perfectly capable of general landscaping, holding up roadsigns, and taco-making. I just don’t trust them to handle the distribution of something as important as my recreational drug of choice, cocaine. I say let the Columbians do what they do best, literally nothing but selling coke.
It really comes down to East Coast against West Coast scenario like rap in early 90’s. It breaks down like this, East Coast Coke versus West Coast Weed. You New Yorkers think that just because your weed is delivered right to your door and comes in oddly weighed plastic containers, that you are some kind of pot snob? You’re not. When you can buy weed in lollipop, cookie, or pasta primavera form, then you can laud your general location’s ability to provide kick-ass drugs. But let’s not forget the much more important cocaine quality issue. To you Cali kids, your shit is weak sauce. It either goes through Mexico or through us Eastcoasters. So it is either filled with bird shit and tortilla flour or I myself have personally pissed all over it (that shit’s funny to me).
This is why I think Obama should step in and really clobber those Mexicans because they are ruining good drugs. Take out all the top guys and let the Columbians move in. We aren’t going to stop cocaine from being amazing just like we can’t stop women’s opinions from being inconsequential. It is destined to be so. But we can put the right Latinos in the right job. I wouldn’t want a Mexican negotiating my cocaine prices just like I wouldn’t let a Columbian near my Japanese maples.