Well, well, well… Hello Internet, long time no blog. I’ve had a little legal problem of sorts, what’s your fucking excuse? Apparently it is still frowned upon to have a massive bag of cocaine in the United States of America. What the fuck? I wasn’t flying planes into buildings or raping children… I was doing mirror races with minors. (Editor’s note: a mirror race is when you line up at least a foot and half of a cocaine rail and race someone else to finish it.) I can’t help it if supercop is looking in the window at the time. Also, apparently that is probable cause to walk into someone’s residence and arrest everyone. Fuck America! Anyways, the reason I’m blogging tonight is to answer a reasonable question, when some random skank from a distant past texts you, what do you do?
Do you ignore it, do you answer it truthfully, or do you respond to it with a sexually inappropriate story about your masturbatorial tendencies? I don’t know. I try to play it cool, but when it happens twice in one day, I’m at a fucking loss. I imagine the two skanks met up with each other and tried to play Scales for a fool. Scales might be many things, a derelict, a deviant, and even a boy-rapist; but a fool I am not. That is why I ask the smartest, sleaziest person I know for advice, the Internet. What do I do?
Skank 1) I almost banged her but I didn’t. Why not, you ask? Because she was dating my drug dealer at the time. Yeah, I know, tough call. How hot was she? Good question. She is super pale, but has a nice rack and real nice skin. The vagina? I don’t know, but I imagine it looks a little sloppy with a random hair or two. Kinda like a bodybuilder’s hemroid with a gash in it. She texted very plainly after two-month’s radio silence, “I miss you” WTF? I’m sorry, I forgot we fucked and I owe you the random hook up follow through. I haven’t thought about you EVER! Not once. Happy? What do you want me to say? “I’d love to jizz in your vaginal canal?” or “Your tits were made for sucking?” I don’t care! I actually would rather you not communicate such creepy shit to me. I hope it was a joke. I really hope you and your friends were drinking wine on a terrace somewhere and thought it would be a good idea to text that big-dicked motherfucker from your past, and try to renew a late night fuck-buddy. I’m too old to be friends with someone with a mouth, ass, AND, vagina. Anyways, what do I do Internet? I sent her the usual, “I haven’t heard from you, I assume you got it aborted.” text, but is that appropriate? I don’t know.
Skank 2) I banged her last summer and she showed up at my house last weekend for a cocaine rave I was having. She was without child, and looking decent. We did some stuff. (not fucking because she has a boyfriend and is 19, which is more mature.) Anyways, she texts that she wants to hang. I tell her I’m at the bar and she is not yet old enough to partake. She asks if I want to hang out later. Do I arrange the late night rendevous? Do I tell her to study for community college?Do I fuck her again, condomless, and let her dumbass boyfriend raise my spawn as his own? I already know the answer, just humor me. I just sent her a text that I’m too drunk to drive, (ed. note, Hahahaha) and she needs to pick me up. Then I’m going to fuck her. Pray for me Argentina.
Scales, out…
