Posts Tagged ‘aids’
Google has the Answers to Life’s Unanswered Questions
Saturday, August 29th, 2009What We’re Listening to…
Thursday, June 11th, 2009I heard this song and immediately thought about our “Way to get HPV” post. Who knew you could get AIDS from breathing air? “Waiting” by Stephen Lynch.
Stephen Lynch – Waiting
It’s out of my hand’s and all I can do is wait
It’s not knowing that has put me in this state
The minute’s feel like hours the tension is too great
I’ve done my part and now it’s in the hand’s of fate
Chorus
Waiting for, may aid’s test to come back
I shouldn’t have fucked that prostitute wihout a prophylactic
Waiting for, my aid’s test to come back
Regret is dripping from like my semen from her crack
And now I know
My nerves they have been frayed my pant’s they have been shat
I know the nurse will say “it’s time to have a chat”
At least I’ll never have to worry about getting fat
I should think positive, no wait I didn say that!
Chorus 2
Waiting for my aid’s test to come back
I never should have blown that tranny in my caddillac
Waiting for my aid’s test to come back
I just had to taste that sweet forbidden nectar from the sack
And now I know
Is it over will my jersey be retired
Will my name stiched upon a quilt be required
Did I make a difference was my life inpired
Will denzel washington defend me when I’m fired
Chorus3
Waiting for my aid’s test to come back
Eating asshole’s shouldn’t be an phrodesiac
Waiting for my aid’s test to come back
If I’m clean I swear I will stop shooting smack (probably)
Come on jesus let me live
Make the test be negative
Please forget and please forgive
Please don’t let me have the HIV (spoken as a word not the initials)
Oh my god without delay
The nurse is coming straight away
This is it my judgement day
Tell me what does my test say…
I’m OK!
I’m OK!
I’m OK!
It’s just chlamydia!
Top 29 Ways to get HPV
Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009This day and age, HPV is the new chlamydia and it’s everywhere. Good thing it really only affects females and the occasional homocurious. That’s right, this shit is real and it causes cervical and anal cancer. Hahahaha, sorry. It doesn’t do anything to men who prefer vaginal intercourse (sorry Ballz) and eventually your own immune system will take care of it. Whew, dodged a bullet there. Anyways, since apparently a condom doesn’t offer complete protection (or I once dated a complete whore) here are the most common ways of getting HPV without being in the presence of Brodieman.
1) Bumping into someone on the subway
2) Playing with children of the opposite sex
3) Accepting literature from Jahovahs Witnesses
4) Attending productions of “Menopause”
5) Watching a Christmas special
6) Playing cards with your grandmother
7) Touring a public park
8) Accepting a stick of gum from a stranger
9) Riding a used bicycle
10) Sitting in an old leather chair
11) Sleeping with my sister (she’s 13)
12) Buying used ben wa balls
13) Eating from the terrorist food cart in NYC
14) Saying “hi” to fatsoes at the bar
15) Not sucking a dick a day
16) Hawking mom’s jewelery
17) Sweating in a crowded steam room
18) Reducing red wine
19) Signing for a package from a foreigner
20) Buttoning a cardigan
21) Feeling guilty about eating morsels of semi-sweet chocolate while stress-baking cookies
22) Creating anything out of paper mache
23) Blowing up balloons
24) Cuffing one’s jeans
25) Purchasing nair
26) Playing squash
27) Stacking coffee table books
28) Eating at a counter height table
29) Losing your virginity in college
Do at least half of these and you will end up just like our friend Lincoln Francis Tombiano, son of a prostitute, carrier of “all of them”; herpes, syphilis, hepatitis, HPV, AIDS, gonorrhea.