Dear old people and young children, run. Run as fast as you can and then hide. Hide somewhere where no one will ever find you. Because if I hear another kid scream at the top of its lungs over candy or another lazy ass old person ask for help, I’m going to snap. I’m going dropkick you in the face and then beat you to death with the wooden side of a hammer. Why the wooden side? Because it will take longer and be much more satisfying to my bloodlust. I hope your loved ones see me in the act of ending your life because more than likely, they hate you too.
The thing is, both of these groups cause me massive amounts of irritability for the same reasons. They’re both annoying. They both only think of themselves. They are completely useless and helpless. They contribute nothing. They are constantly shitting themselves. They don’t even give decent head.
Old people, what is it about reaching old age that you just decide, “I’m going to be the biggest pain in the ass to everyone around me.” ???? Seriously, just because you have nothing to live for does not excuse you to complain about every little thing that comes across your feeble mind. Yeah I’d be pissed if my sex organs didn’t work but I still wouldn’t say a sunny day was too bright or that my soup is too hot. Buy some goddamned sunglasses or wait five minutes you fucking prune-faced goon!
Also, I don’t care if your family hates you and refuses to put up with your bullshit any longer, it is not okay to go up to a complete stranger and suffocate them with inane chatter. Call a sex line if you want to talk to someone, do not try to strike up a conversation with me just because we shop at the same fucking grocery store. I don’t care if I look like a dead celebrity from your wonder years, do not talk to me. The only thing I want to hear come out of your mouth is a distinct gargling noise as you struggle with your last breath and finally die.
Young children, you are vile, dirty little mongrels that deserve to be molested and murdered. If your parents let you run around in public like a wild animal you, then it is retribution when your uncle takes you around back and violently thrusts his penis into your innocent, little hiney. Everytime I see an adult strike a small, defenseless child, I do cartwheels in my head and think, “Hit ‘em harder!” No matter what, the kid fucking deserves it.
It is not cute when you walk into a building and then read aloud every single sign in your eyeline. (That goes for you too, old people.) Screaming “Ahscuse me! Ahscuuuuse ME!” is not an appropriate attempt of getting one’s attention. The next time a little shit-head stares at me for more than thirty seconds, I’m going to grab him or her by the throat and javelin throw the bitch face first against a brick wall. I want to see cherry pie smear marks from the point of impact down to your lifeless, mangled body.
And you little girls, make with the head or stop cock teasing. If you go around flashing your “Strawberry Shortcake” panties, I’m going to get an erection and use your body like a flesh-light.
I thought this swine flu was going wipe out more seniors and little kids but I guess I’ll have to wait for the next medical emergency to come out of Mexico.
Adiós, dickheads
