Many of you won’t give a shit about this article but that would only be because you are faggots who judge books by the first word of their title. Sure cyclists are a bunch of European fairies but apparently they are infinitely cooler than most of you ever thought. Enter Tom Boonen…
Tom Boonen is kind of like Lance Armstrong is in the US, only he is younger (28), wins more than one race a year (12 of them last year) and he has a been known to sport the oh so trendy fauxhawk (see photos, especially the 2nd one). Oh yeah, and he plays a sport that people in his country actually care about. In Belgium he is unquestionably the most popular athlete. Every little boy dreams of riding a bike like him, making millions of dollars doing it and apparently now getting busted for using cocaine and fucking women 10 years his junior.
Boonen was suspended earlier this week for failing his third out of competition drug test for cocaine. While the blowzerwhozwercaine isn’t a banned substance by WADA (World Anti-Doping Agency), cycling’s governing body, the UCI (Union Cycliste Internationale, faggy Euro spelling, I know), banned him for six months. How the fuck is this fair? Just the other day one of MEITS’ bloggers got off a coke rap with nothing more than some community service hours. This trend in professional sports of punishing our athletes more strictly than we do common white trash is of great concern to me.
Mike Vick went to fucking prison for fighting some dogs? What happened to the days when you could kill your ex-wife and her boyfriend and get off because some Afro-American (that’s the PC term these days, right?) told the jury “if the glove don’t fit, you must acquit”? As an avid sports bettor this trend makes my job significantly more difficult. When you keep changing the rules of the game it makes it nearly impossible to predict the outcome of sporting events. This shift in the philosophy of prosecuting athletes is analogous in my mind to when the NHL decided to make the goalie pads smaller. I used to bet the over/under on hockey games but as soon as that rule changed no one had any fucking clue how to adjust their methodologies. I couldn’t bet the totals for nearly half a season. The same thing goes for prosecuting athletes. I know that half the NFL is a bunch of thug-ass _i_g_s (lets see if you guys can guess where I’m going) who probably all deserve to be in jail, but I’ve based my betting for the last 5 years on prosecutors overlooking their offenses and letting the league deal with them in some under the table sort of fashion. The day that these guys start going to jail en masse, a la Mike Vick, I’m going to have some serious re-thinking to do.
In the end, while sports governing bodies and global legal systems may think they are doing the rest of society a favor by coming down harder on those who violate rules or break laws, in actuality the people they are hurting the most are the little people. Not only are they taking money from my pocket by limiting my illegal internet gambling but they are stealing role models from the children, THE CHILDREN!!! Wouldn’t we all be better off if an athlete getting busted with coke or beating the shit out of his wife was just brushed under the carpet so that the kids could go on admiring them and imitating their on-the-field actions?
Regardless of the trend towards punishing athletes more and more there is one legally sound reason that Tom Boonen should get in no trouble for his cocaine use, he was obviously only doing Bolivian Marching Powder to snag a hot piece of 16-year-old ass. We all know that 16-year-old girls love cocaine and I firmly believe that if consumption of coke is in the pursuit of anyone that young it can’t possibly be held against you. I mean, look at this girl, she obviously loves blow. You mean to tell me you wouldn’t split up an 8-ball the night before a race to get in her pants?
(Click the photo for the undistorted version. Not sure why this happens, but don’t care enough to fix it.)
