Posts Tagged ‘coke’

Runner-up for MEITS’ Parent of the day

Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009

herpes

Like BallzD, I’ve spent my entire day reading about people on the internet whose lives are shittier than mine. Unfortunately, my herpes sores are flaring up again and people at work are laughing and pointing at me. There are only so many “What’s the difference between mono and herpes” jokes that one can take.

So without further ado, my pick for the runner-up parent of the day, Wendy Cook. Not quite as good as Mr. Mendoza but close enough…

wendycook

This disgusting (though not as unattractive as your typical crack-whore) bitch was giving blowers and fucking Johns in exchange for cash-monies to buy crack and powdered cocaine. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all one for trading sexual favors to get drugs. I’ve forced plenty of girls to blow me in order to get a taste of the Wawaweewacaine. But even I draw the line at ripping lines off of infants. Do coke in front of them, yeah sure, but not off of them. Not because I’m morally opposed to using your children as drug doing devices, but rather I think it just makes more sense to use the tried-and-true tactics. Get a fucking mirror or a key or anything. I’ve never seen a baby that lays still enough for me to cut out a line on its bottom and rip it up my nose. Not to mention I’m not sure that a baby would like me chopping the coke up with a razorblade (I’m fucking done with using credit cards).

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Cyclist Tests Positive for Cocaine, Fucks 16-Year-Old!!!

Wednesday, May 27th, 2009

Many of you won’t give a shit about this article but that would only be because you are faggots who judge books by the first word of their title. Sure cyclists are a bunch of European fairies but apparently they are infinitely cooler than most of you ever thought. Enter Tom Boonen…

boonen

Tom Boonen is kind of like Lance Armstrong is in the US, only he is younger (28), wins more than one race a year (12 of them last year) and he has a been known to sport the oh so trendy fauxhawk (see photos, especially the 2nd one). Oh yeah, and he plays a sport that people in his country actually care about. In Belgium he is unquestionably the most popular athlete. Every little boy dreams of riding a bike like him, making millions of dollars doing it and apparently now getting busted for using cocaine and fucking women 10 years his junior.

boonen2boonen3

Boonen was suspended earlier this week for failing his third out of competition drug test for cocaine. While the blowzerwhozwercaine isn’t a banned substance by WADA (World Anti-Doping Agency), cycling’s governing body, the UCI (Union Cycliste Internationale, faggy Euro spelling, I know), banned him for six months. How the fuck is this fair? Just the other day one of MEITS’ bloggers got off a coke rap with nothing more than some community service hours. This trend in professional sports of punishing our athletes more strictly than we do common white trash is of great concern to me.

Mike Vick went to fucking prison for fighting some dogs? What happened to the days when you could kill your ex-wife and her boyfriend and get off because some Afro-American (that’s the PC term these days, right?) told the jury “if the glove don’t fit, you must acquit”? As an avid sports bettor this trend makes my job significantly more difficult. When you keep changing the rules of the game it makes it nearly impossible to predict the outcome of sporting events. This shift in the philosophy of prosecuting athletes is analogous in my mind to when the NHL decided to make the goalie pads smaller. I used to bet the over/under on hockey games but as soon as that rule changed no one had any fucking clue how to adjust their methodologies. I couldn’t bet the totals for nearly half a season. The same thing goes for prosecuting athletes. I know that half the NFL is a bunch of thug-ass _i_g_s (lets see if you guys can guess where I’m going) who probably all deserve to be in jail, but I’ve based my betting for the last 5 years on prosecutors overlooking their offenses and letting the league deal with them in some under the table sort of fashion. The day that these guys start going to jail en masse, a la Mike Vick, I’m going to have some serious re-thinking to do.

In the end, while sports governing bodies and global legal systems may think they are doing the rest of society a favor by coming down harder on those who violate rules or break laws, in actuality the people they are hurting the most are the little people. Not only are they taking money from my pocket by limiting my illegal internet gambling but they are stealing role models from the children, THE CHILDREN!!! Wouldn’t we all be better off if an athlete getting busted with coke or beating the shit out of his wife was just brushed under the carpet so that the kids could go on admiring them and imitating their on-the-field actions?

Regardless of the trend towards punishing athletes more and more there is one legally sound reason that Tom Boonen should get in no trouble for his cocaine use, he was obviously only doing Bolivian Marching Powder to snag a hot piece of 16-year-old ass. We all know that 16-year-old girls love cocaine and I firmly believe that if consumption of coke is in the pursuit of anyone that young it can’t possibly be held against you. I mean, look at this girl, she obviously loves blow. You mean to tell me you wouldn’t split up an 8-ball the night before a race to get in her pants?

(Click the photo for the undistorted version. Not sure why this happens, but don’t care enough to fix it.)

sophie1

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Posted In: Sports, Women | No Comments »

LeBron Loves Coke

Sunday, May 17th, 2009

So Basically LeBron loves doing tons of blow and shouting about the play offs…and what Kobe just casually rapes bitches? What the hell is this a commercial for? An average tuesday night?

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Posted In: Celebs, Sports | No Comments »

Scales’ Saturday Night Part II

Sunday, March 29th, 2009

The next email I receive…

“Sorry, I just ate three cheeseburgers that were so fucking good!!! Oh my G, that shit is tastier than kindergarden pussy. Anyways, Clarisa comes down stairs to sneak out with her friend to go drinking (which is not allowed by her parents) I, being a gentleman walk her outside and sit on the porch smoking. After a while, I can tell she wants my dick in and around her mouth. But, she was born in 1994 and is ugly. Then a Jeep Cherokee shows up and I start thinking, “I fucking know that car.” it was Drew, one of my drug dealers (white guy who acts black). He is twenty and he had one fourteen year old riding shotgun while about to pick up a fifteen year old to get them drunk and high. “Damn, I like his style,” I thought to myself. But as soon as he sees me, he starts apologizing, asking me not to tell Kevin and Nicky. Before I could tell him that I couldn’t care less, he adds that he was also sorry about the last bag. Ewwww… You’re fucked now son. I tell him that it was super weak and a half gram short (it wasn’t) and that “I’m telling Kevin right now that you’re galivanting around with his daughter unless you make amends.” (guess which words he didn’t understand). Anyways to wrap up this story, he gave me a free half ball, a blunt and drove me around smoking and taking swigs of warm vodka. Clarisa tried to kiss me right before I threw up all over the side of his car. He drove me home, saying he would clean it up and then we made a man date to go to the gun and knife show today. I’ll blog about the guns. And then I stayed up all morning watching Eastbound and Down and masturbating. Good night all around”

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Posted In: Booze, Smoke, Substances, The Weirdness, Women | No Comments »

Scales’ Saturday Night Part I

Sunday, March 29th, 2009

So I wake up this morning to an email from Scales telling me about his Saturday night. Fucking outrageous…

“Errgh… I feel gross and disgraceful. There’s this couple that I know from the bar, Delaware Yankees. The wife is super hot and the husband is just like BrodieMan if rode a motorcycle and worked construction. Same laugh, same hilarious attitude. Well, they both do coke and smoke weed. They called right after you texted. The thing is, the don’t snort and go out. They stay in, and was in and coked out. They has weed and beer, I had cigarettes (which I don’t smoke) and Gatorade. We decided the best course of action was for me to come over and hang. I’ve never been to their house before, didn’t know what to expect. I ring the door bell, and a young girl answers the door. It’s Clarisa, Kevin and Nicky (the married couple) daughter. Anyways, being retarded Yankees, they let Clarisa smoke ciggies and weed with us for about two hours. Clarisa is fifteen, a freshmen in high school. The adults have to take turns going to the kitchen to do coke. Of course, there is no door or hallway to the kitchen, it was all in plain sight of their only child. Also, should be mentioned that Nicky is an absolute smokeshow who loves taking shots at the bar. Apparently she is no different at home. Skin tight jeans that went into her ass hole, leopard printed high heels (not necessarily “fuck me” heels, but definitely “grab my ass cause all I’ll do is giggle” shoes) and a super hot orange halter top. I asked of they went out, “No man, she got dressed up because you were coming over,” said Kevin with a really goofy smile. My dick twitches. I swear to god I thought he was going to ask me to sleep with his wife so he could watch. Eerytime we did a line his hand was on her ass, grinning like a retard. She was feeding me honey jäger shots, and i was stoned, on coke, and thought I was going to do a three way with a married couple. Everything was go for launch until 2:30… They both decide willy nilly to go to bed. They told me I could sleep ontheir couch. I was dumbfounded and hard cocked. I almost followed them upstair because I was certain that my penis was going to be spraying baby batter into someone vaginal canal. But no, I was left alone on a couch by myself. So of course, I start jerking it with no abandon. Then I hear a noise coming down the stairs. I change the channel and shove my cock back into my pants so hard it hurts. A lot. But who was coming down at three in the morning? It was Clarisa, the fat, fifteen year old…

To be continued”

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Posted In: Booze, Smoke, Substances, The Weirdness, Women | No Comments »

Top 6 Drug Dealing Races

Friday, March 27th, 2009

#1) Columbians

Pros:
Not only are they great coke dealers, Columbians usually have friends or cousins working in nursing homes and hospitals, thus they have a very good access to corporate drugs like Vicodin and Percocets. They speak better English than any other Latino, purposely drive shitty cars, and generally try to stay off the radar.

Cons:
Like other Latinos, Columbians are prone to driving under the influence and having ugly, ugly girlfriends.

#2) White People (who act white)

Pros:
White people with drugs are generally easy to find. Go to any large gathering and ask the worst dressed white person there about music. If any response is followed by hand chopping and head banging, that is your man. Usually will be able to get their hands on a diverse plethora of drugs, these white people are handy to have in one’s contact list.

Cons:
White people who act white have a very serious “hanging out” mentality when drugs are involved. Though helpful in scoring free drugs, can become a huge hassle. Also, a high “douche bag” ratio and propensity for exaggeration are common among white people.

#3) Puerto Ricans

Pros:
Also Latino, Puerto Ricans are fairly used to being involved in shady dealings. Can find drugs but expect to wait two to three hours longer than expected and to receive smaller amounts than agreed upon.

Cons:
Though English is close to their first language, they have a knack for butchering it to an almost incomprehensible degree. Again, expect delays and longwinded, ridiculous excuses for reasons why.

#4) White People (who act black)

Pros:
Usually will have good quality marijuana, though this could be hit or miss. Less “hang out” problem than their more Caucasian counterparts.

Cons:
Usually have poor time management skills. Also have very flashy, “please arrest me, officer” demeanor. Drugs, especially cocaine, will be inconsistent at best and pure garbage at worst.

#5) Mexicans

Pros:
Might have drugs? Easy scapegoats.

Cons:
Usually driving drunk and generally acting stupid, Mexicans represent the worst dealers on the Latino spectrum. Inherent trait of not understanding any English words no matter how similar they are to the actual Spanish words of the same definition. After drinking large amounts of tequila without eating sufficient amounts of tacos, will become violent.

#6) Blacks

Pros:
Almost all of them are in fact drug dealers.

Cons:
Despite the media’s portrayal, they are all terrible drug dealers. Their weed is schwag, their coke is an abomination, and they are incredibly difficult to get a hold of. Usually not in business very long.

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Posted In: Smoke, Substances, The Weirdness | No Comments »

I Thought Obama Used to do Coke

Thursday, March 26th, 2009

America, get ready for your coke prices to go up.

ObamaCoke

Obama has announced that he is going to put 500 federal agents in border states, cut off weapons shipments and money transfers to Mexican drug cartels and implement programs to reduce the narcotic demand by the US. Who does this man think he is? I understand he is the President and this is what Presidents do, but didn’t this shitdick used to blow rails of coke for Christ’s sake? Or was it crack? Either way, tomato tomahto. Obama should have a greater appreciation for the joy that coke can bring people, especially in a time of economic despair. With the recession in full force, I’d much rather spend a night at home and split a gram with a close friend than go out to the bars and drop $200 in the blink of an eye.

At least pot is mostly homegrown. Can’t keep me from smoking that.

PS I just thought of something else. If Obama follows through with all of this he had better increase the budget for social programs. I know a lot of little people (poor people, not midgets) derive most of their income from dope dealing. I for instance get the best white from this bus boy at the corner bar. His cousin drives it up from Mexico. How the fuck is he supposed to make ends meet now?

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Posted In: News, Politics, Substances, The Weirdness | 3 Comments »