Posts Tagged ‘eastbound and down’

Gaping Holes of Need

Wednesday, May 27th, 2009

I fucking hate exgirlfriends. Why can’t they all just disappear for good. My buddies and I had something of an exgirlfriend weekend. Too many of them hanging around for anything good to happen. It sounded like a good idea at first but the more I reflect on it the more it pisses me off. Like Kenny Powers wisely said, “A lot of people say Kenny Powers is a woman hater. That’s not true. I love women, every fucking one of them, even the ugly-as-shit ones. But don’t ask me to trust them, not even nuns. Because every pair of tits comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can’t fill”.

My exgirlfriend was in town and I was fully expecting that just like last time she was here we would have some hot sweaty sex, banging out till the sun came up. But NOOOOOOOO, the guy she was only “kind of dating” last time I fucked the shit out of her is now important enough that I can’t have fun anymore. Whatever, fuck it, exes are a waste of time. I only wish that used-to-be-slut would have been nice enough to tell me we weren’t going to fuck BEFORE I offered to pick up the check. Goddamnit bitches be sneaky…

He’s Back

Thursday, April 9th, 2009

Told you mother fuckers, K “FUCKING” P is back. Production to start later this year, premieres in 2010.

KFUCKINGP

Scales’ Saturday Night Part II

Sunday, March 29th, 2009

The next email I receive…

“Sorry, I just ate three cheeseburgers that were so fucking good!!! Oh my G, that shit is tastier than kindergarden pussy. Anyways, Clarisa comes down stairs to sneak out with her friend to go drinking (which is not allowed by her parents) I, being a gentleman walk her outside and sit on the porch smoking. After a while, I can tell she wants my dick in and around her mouth. But, she was born in 1994 and is ugly. Then a Jeep Cherokee shows up and I start thinking, “I fucking know that car.” it was Drew, one of my drug dealers (white guy who acts black). He is twenty and he had one fourteen year old riding shotgun while about to pick up a fifteen year old to get them drunk and high. “Damn, I like his style,” I thought to myself. But as soon as he sees me, he starts apologizing, asking me not to tell Kevin and Nicky. Before I could tell him that I couldn’t care less, he adds that he was also sorry about the last bag. Ewwww… You’re fucked now son. I tell him that it was super weak and a half gram short (it wasn’t) and that “I’m telling Kevin right now that you’re galivanting around with his daughter unless you make amends.” (guess which words he didn’t understand). Anyways to wrap up this story, he gave me a free half ball, a blunt and drove me around smoking and taking swigs of warm vodka. Clarisa tried to kiss me right before I threw up all over the side of his car. He drove me home, saying he would clean it up and then we made a man date to go to the gun and knife show today. I’ll blog about the guns. And then I stayed up all morning watching Eastbound and Down and masturbating. Good night all around”