Making Eggs In The Shower

Good morrow fine gentlemen and you nasty cunts. It’s been a while since I last posted due to the glorious weather, under 13 girls soccer, and a disabling cocaine addiction. Have to give credit to Champagne on this one though. We were in a deep, philosophical discussion about what kind of soup a fetus would look best in, when he just looked at me and said, “I think I’m going to write about how I hate everyone. And definitely a chunky, zucchini-tomato for the soup. If you are going to eat a fetus, might as well make it look like a miscarriage.” And because Mr. Velvet has yet to explain it to you, let me. This is why I hate you:

New Englanders
Easy call. I hate you because of your accents, fondness of violent behavior, and your rampant liberalism. None of you can hold your liquor. You take three drinks, start screaming about how sweet the fucking Pats are, and then you start fights with a large number of people. Of course, you lose. But that’s not it, it’s the unexplainable strive of toughness that I’ll never understand. Especially since Massachusetts allows gay marriage, yeah… You’re not hard. Oh and before I forget. You sound like a child who learned English from a mongrel. Just today I overheard a lady from Boston say, “I sawr it in yestaday’s noosepaper.” Where are your elementary schools located, on a fishing boat? Jesus Christ, I wanted to roll up a magazine and whack her on the nose but thought better of it… Because I’m a good guy.

Yankees
I bet you never heard this one before, you are all assholes. Every last one of you is a pompous, obnoxious jackass who cannot get over how goddamn amazing New York, New Jersey, or Connecticutt is. Did I say amazing, because I meant “expensive.” Is that all you people talk about, how much money everything costs or really just money in general? Talk about the tri-state of poor parenting and terrible social skills. I’m sorry that I was raised not to talk about money because it was *ahem* “common.” Even the assholes who recognize that they are assholes and try to be funny with it end up with a tiring shtick of playing Gordon Gecko and Patrick Bateman’s rape baby. And the Italians… Too easy and quite frankly, not worth the weak sperm that your dad jacked off into your mom’s gash.

Mid-Atlantic People
I hate you because you are nothing but a buffer between assholes and hillbilly, redneck fucks. You offer nothing to the world. “Yo shit’s so mild, it’s mayonaise.”

Hillbilly, Redneck Fucks (South)
You people disgust me. Once, just once, take an interest in something that doesn’t come on tv. There is more to life than laying on a couch, birthing ugly children, praying to a non-existant god, and waiting around for your workman’s comp check. Honestly, does anyone actually work in the south or do they show up on the first day, slip, and take nine months off to recuperate? Don’t even get me started on your lack of personal hygeine or general self-awareness. You all look gross, smell worse, and speak a foreign language barely similar to English. I almost wish the south had won the Civil War just so my tax dollars wouldn’t be going directly to your local KFC so you can feed your 8 illegitimate children. “War of Northern Agression?” More like “That Time You Inbred Motherfucks Started Shit, And Got Your Asses Beat War.” You know what separates a Southerner and a Mexican? Just a line on a map.

Hillbilly Redneck Fucks (Midwest)
What the fuck happened to you. As soon as meth popped on the scene, you have absolutely lost it. Nothing but idiot Jesus freaks, tweekers, and of course, fatties. I don’t see how one person can have both a meth and a weight problem and yet the entire Midwest is both morbidly obese and smoking crystal meth. I don’t get it, did Burger King start slinging in the homemade drug game? Are they deep frying sudafed into the chicken fries? I would hate life too if I lived that far away from the ocean. I mean, did your forefathers start traveling out west and just say, “Fuck it. Dudes, we’re gonna settle out here in the middle of nowhere, where there’s nothing to do, it’s freezing all the time, and we only brought hideous women with us.” Someone gets this part of country some cocaine, strobe lights, and slutty t-shirts to give away to women. You’ll be surprised how much fun you’ll have.

Texans
Don’t mess with Texas? Why, because it’s retarded? Your state is nothing but North Mexico with more gun-nuts and religious fanatics. How am I supposed to take you seriously if you are dumb enough to elect a carpetbagging, Connecticutt Yankee as your governor. Twice. If Mexico ever offered me a deal where they would forcibly take back all the illegal immigrants in exchange for Texas, I would say, “Si, but only on the condition that you also take Oklahoma.”

West Coast Pussies
You are the worst. Instead of smoking weed all the time, go out and get in a fight once in a while. It might do you some good. Anything that will curtail your smugginess is a good step in the right direction. I know that you were told that you were special and should feel good about yourself your whole life, but you’re not and you shouldn’t. In fact, all that hippy, self-esteem bullshit has warped everyone’s mind and now no one can take you seriously. You’re not smarter than anyone, and I mean anyone. I’d rather listen to the political thoughts of Jethro, the two-fingered beekeeper from Jomesville, Georgia, than hear your thoughts about the defensive strengths of a diplomatic foreign policy. At least he doesn’t pretend to know what he’s babbling about, (because he’s drunk) while you will make up anything, declare you read it in the New York Times, and then spout bullshit about how much more intelligent the west coast is to the rest of the country. But if you were smarter, you would live on the east coast, closer to Europe, and far, far away from the nasty mud slides and dreadful wild fires. If you were as smart as me, you would live inside your mother’s hairy hatcher wound. It’s roomy, has a nice view of exotic vegetation, and is rent free.